Negotiating the holidays

 

I thought it’d be good to take a break from the Fighting Fair series and instead talk about more pertinent relationship issues–those of navigating the holidays. It’s a question that has to be answered by all couples at some point–usually in the first year of marriage. Are you going to switch off the holidays? One side gets Thanksgiving this year, the other Christmas? Will you attempt to see both families each holiday {provided they live close enough to be able to do that}? Will you host your families at your own home? Possibly one side for one holiday, another for the next?

The logistics of compromising may not seem all that difficult in theory. Make a decision that seems fair to the both of you and allows sufficient time spent with each of your families. There’s no wrong way to do it. The decision should be made between you and your partner–without the input of family members–and then communicated graciously to each side. Things get tricky, in my opinion, when the compromise is put into practice. And by that I mean how it feels the first time you’re unable to celebrate a particular tradition with your family. Or the first time you wake up on Christmas morning without being surrounded by your parents and siblings. Or maybe the first Thanksgiving meal you eat that isn’t your mom’s/aunt’s/grandmother’s.

The emotions you feel in those moments are ones of loss. I had a professor once say that every decision involves loss. Think about it. Decisions require a change to be made. And the definition of change is to give a different position, course, or direction to. Meaning the old way–the old position, course, or direction–is lost.

Although this isn’t the first time I won’t be spending Thanksgiving with my family, this is the first time I won’t be spending either holiday with them. Money is tight, my husband just started a new job {and therefore has little accrued vacation time}, and the price of airfare is seriously exorbitant around the holidays. Needless to say, the change is hard and the loss, palpable. I’m excited to spend the holidays with my in-laws–and my new husband of course!–but I’ll miss my family. I’ll miss our silly little traditions and holiday routines. I’ll miss it being just us.

And the moral of the story is that it’s OK to feel the loss of change. It’s completely normal. Loss needs to be grieved and you should be able to grieve without feeling bad or worrying you might offend your partner or in-laws. OK, I’m not recommending that you cry through Thanksgiving dinner but give yourself some room. Take time to call your family, sit down with your significant other and share with him/her what you miss most, journal. But most importantly, know that change takes time to adjust to and won’t feel as bad, or as abnormal, in the years to come.

So, what about you? How do you navigate the holidays with your significant other? And, more importantly, who gets Thanksgiving this year?

PS. I may not be eating my mom’s amazing turkey dinner on Thursday but my mother-in-law thoughtfully asked if she could buy the ingredients to make my mom’s pumpkin ice cream pie. I think everything will work out just fine. 🙂

xo-Kristine

Be Thankful fork found via Simply Suite Studio on Etsy